hospital visits have always been something of anticipation for me.  minus the common trips to the urgent care (four kids?  three of them fearless boys? come on…) a hosptial trip has always meant i am about to meet my newest little person to love on.  but not this week.

[prepare for overdramatization]

i have to have my tonsils removed tomorrow.  in the states, this means a morning in surgery and recovery at home.  in the states, this means you have some appointments with your doctor and they tell you how painful it will be afterwards and how you will need help at home.  in the states, it seems like it is no big deal.

not in germany.  or at least not with my doctor.  don’t get me wrong, i am beyond stoked with the doc and so thankful that he is so well-known for his stellar work here.  but when we sat down to discuss having them out, he scared the crap outta me.  “are you prepared for death?” he asked.

wait.  am i in the wrong room?  this seems to be the grim reapers office and that is a sickle in your hand…not a small mouth mirror.

after all these awful questions and comments about the possibilities of death as a result of this surgery, he asks “Now.  Are you still wanting to have this procedure done?”.

no.  nonononononononononononono.

i will deal with this constant pain, adorble loogie hocking, terrible breath and wicked snoring for the rest of my life thankyouverymuch.  or at least that is what i thought in my head.  but after discussion with Jesus and then with my better half, i do feel it is the right thing to do.  and the doctor did agree that it would improve my quality of life afterwards which almost no it didn’t made all those death comments disappear.

so i know it is just tonsils but this is my first run in with any type of surgery.  and i am scared.  not scared of death itself but of what i have done with my time here in life.  i suddenly feel like i have wasted this precious time that has been given to me.  as my kids sit and watch tv at this very moment (yup…blogging while the tv babysits.  don’t hate) i just want to scoop them up and make them look at old photos while making a video of me retelling them their family history as we talk about the big things God has planned for them.  and maybe cook something delicious together to take to our neighbors after we have gone to hug elderly people at the retirement home down the street, all the while skipping and holding hands and laughing like some posed magazine ad.

not literally those things but do you know what i mean?

why does it take something scary to make us realize we are misusing our time?!

so as i load the dishwasher while crying about how i “didn’t do enough”, i am overwhelmed with worry.  but i know i shouldn’t worry because God tells me many many times that worrying is a waste of time.  which isn’t that the very thing i am scared of?  is that alanis morissette i hear singing?

even through my tears, my a.d.d kicks in and i wonder if it is garbage day.

here comes the best part.

in all my worrying, i know i need to get to The Word.  i know that i need to fall on my knees in prayer.  i know that i need to trust and to believe and to accept His promises and truth.  but i just. can’t. get myself there.

a.d.d still going strong, i wander over to my calendar.  this calendar is the most special one i have ever had.  there are no targets in germany and target always has the cutest paper calendar books so i begged my dear friend lindsay to get me one and mail it to me.  she did but she surprised me.  as i opened up my new calendar, i flipped through the pages to find mitch hedberg quotes (our favorite one liner), fun events to remember, adorable sketches and random bible verses doodled on random days.

is it garbage day?  that was all i was seeking.  but God knew i need more.  God used my dear friend and a request made six months ago to heal my heart in that exact moment.

“peace i leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give to you as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

lindsay didn’t know when my surgery would be.  she didn’t know i would be crying over wasted time and dirty spoons.  she didn’t know that worry had taken over so much of my heart and brain that i wouldn’t be able to snap myself out of it.  she didn’t know gelber sac (recycling day) would be what i was searching for when i hit her treasured inking instead.

she didn’t know that was what i needed to hear and would bring me to my knees in prayers of thanksgiving and tears of joy and cleansing of worry.  she didn’t know that was exactly. what i needed.

but He did.

and i am not afraid.

a peace that surpasses all understanding…

a peace that comforts me as i pack for the mandatory five day stay.  a peace that keeps me calm when nearly every person i have to deal with only speaks “a little english”.  a peace that reminds me of His goodness despite all the many things going wrong.  an overwhelming peace that can’t possibly come from anywhere else.

peace.

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so thankful for my dear friend Lindsay who, not only loves Jesus, but made this amazing calendar that much better!  wanna see more of her sillyawesome work?!  read closely…it’s the best!